What do I want?

I'm going nowhere. Seriously, I'm sitting at a stagnant point in my life. I'm wondering where that girl went. You know her. The one who loved exercise. The one who felt so great when eating healthy. The one who didn't let food control her. The one who…cared.

It's like…all of a sudden my motivation went out the window. And along with it went my hopes, my dreams, my goals. They don't seem to matter to me anymore. Don't get me wrong. I still want to be healthy and lose more weight. Oh, what I wouldn't give to kick these ten pounds and be a "Normal" on the BMI. But I feel lost and clueless as to how I should get there.

Part of it right now seems to be the fact that I don't know what I'm doing with my life. Yeah, I'm technically going to be a senior in college this fall. And I'm terrified. I don't know if I can handle my senior year with any sort of grace. Student teaching? You can't even begin to understand how many times I've hyperventilated over even the thought of it. This isn't me. I'm not an elementary teacher. Yes, I can work with toddlers and preschoolers if need be. But…school age? No. And now I have to not only try it, I have to be good at it if I hope to pass. That's scary.

I'm such a socially awkward person. I want to be that girl, y'know? The girl who can talk to people, who doesn't get flustered in social situations, the one who knows what to say at least some of the time. The one who doesn't sit there quietly.

Over the years, I've learned I'm not all that in tune with the present. I'm more of a dreamer. 90% of the time, you'll find me so caught up in my own head that I am not even really focusing on what is going on in front of my own two eyes. Up in the clouds. I'm a thinker, a writer, an imaginer. If I could speak and talk half as decently as I am able to write, I'd be a lucky girl. When I'm writing, things just come out so much more eloquently. Why is that? I've always been that way.

Gah. Enough reflection. Back to focusing on the title of this entry: What do I want?

I want this. I want to get back on track. When I was on track (from late July 'til November or December), I was unstoppable. I had fewer mood swings. I was much less depressed. In comparison to my old self, I oozed confidence and sassiness. I could look in a mirror. I could breathe without panicking. I could smile. I didn't feel emotionally numb…well, not as much as I did before.

And I'm losing those things again. That's really hard. I never want to go back to where I started. That place was so dark, so despairing and hopeless. I want to have hope.

So here we go again. I'm going to go easy on myself at first. But I want to move back on the right track. I want to start strength training and doing cardio consistently again. I want to get enough sleep and eat enough healthy food. Track my intake. All those things. I want to treat myself with respect, dignity, love, and kindness. I want to truly believe that I deserve all those things.

Ngi ne themba. (I have hope.)