Buff Brides-Week One

Okay, remember how I used to be "done?" A done girl? I had lost weight and all that stuff?

Well, I had been maintaining. And then some stuff happened. Like...my grandpa fell and sustained brain damage. And he was in the hospital for a couple of months. And then we took him back to our hometown. And then he passed away.

And 7 hours before he passed, my grandma ended up in the hospital. And she was diagnosed with a terminal brian tumor.

And this all just about killed me.

I try not to make excuses, but I just stopped caring.

I'm so ashamed that I've gained back some of what I had lost. And it's time to be that done girl again. I need to find that spark again.

Long story short, I puchased the book Buff Brides by Sue Fleming. I'm going to follow the six month program, because strength is important for my metabolism. I know that, and I need to utilize it. So here we go. I'll update as the week progresses.

Week 1: November 1-7

Sunday 11/1
Cardio: 20-30 minutes

Monday 11/2
Chest press
One-arm dumbbell rows
Dumbbell lunges
Alternating dumbbell curls
Dumbbell step-ups
Triceps kickbacks
Alternating front raises
Butt lifts with exercise ball
Raised-leg crunches on exercise ball
Superbrides
Dumbbell side bends

Tuesday 11/3
Rest

Wednesday 11/4
Chest press
One-arm dumbbell rows
Dumbbell lunges
Alternating dumbbell curls
Dumbbell step-ups
Triceps kickbacks
Alternating front raises
Butt lifts with exercise ball
Raised-leg crunches on exercise ball
Superbrides
Dumbbell side bends

Thursday 11/5
Cardio: 20-30 minutes

Friday 11/6
Chest press
One-arm dumbbell rows
Dumbbell lunges
Alternating dumbbell curls
Dumbbell step-ups
Triceps kickbacks
Alternating front raises
Butt lifts with exercise ball
Raised-leg crunches on exercise ball
Superbrides
Dumbbell side bends

Saturday 11/7
Cardio: 20-30 minutes

What do I want?

I'm going nowhere. Seriously, I'm sitting at a stagnant point in my life. I'm wondering where that girl went. You know her. The one who loved exercise. The one who felt so great when eating healthy. The one who didn't let food control her. The one who…cared.

It's like…all of a sudden my motivation went out the window. And along with it went my hopes, my dreams, my goals. They don't seem to matter to me anymore. Don't get me wrong. I still want to be healthy and lose more weight. Oh, what I wouldn't give to kick these ten pounds and be a "Normal" on the BMI. But I feel lost and clueless as to how I should get there.

Part of it right now seems to be the fact that I don't know what I'm doing with my life. Yeah, I'm technically going to be a senior in college this fall. And I'm terrified. I don't know if I can handle my senior year with any sort of grace. Student teaching? You can't even begin to understand how many times I've hyperventilated over even the thought of it. This isn't me. I'm not an elementary teacher. Yes, I can work with toddlers and preschoolers if need be. But…school age? No. And now I have to not only try it, I have to be good at it if I hope to pass. That's scary.

I'm such a socially awkward person. I want to be that girl, y'know? The girl who can talk to people, who doesn't get flustered in social situations, the one who knows what to say at least some of the time. The one who doesn't sit there quietly.

Over the years, I've learned I'm not all that in tune with the present. I'm more of a dreamer. 90% of the time, you'll find me so caught up in my own head that I am not even really focusing on what is going on in front of my own two eyes. Up in the clouds. I'm a thinker, a writer, an imaginer. If I could speak and talk half as decently as I am able to write, I'd be a lucky girl. When I'm writing, things just come out so much more eloquently. Why is that? I've always been that way.

Gah. Enough reflection. Back to focusing on the title of this entry: What do I want?

I want this. I want to get back on track. When I was on track (from late July 'til November or December), I was unstoppable. I had fewer mood swings. I was much less depressed. In comparison to my old self, I oozed confidence and sassiness. I could look in a mirror. I could breathe without panicking. I could smile. I didn't feel emotionally numb…well, not as much as I did before.

And I'm losing those things again. That's really hard. I never want to go back to where I started. That place was so dark, so despairing and hopeless. I want to have hope.

So here we go again. I'm going to go easy on myself at first. But I want to move back on the right track. I want to start strength training and doing cardio consistently again. I want to get enough sleep and eat enough healthy food. Track my intake. All those things. I want to treat myself with respect, dignity, love, and kindness. I want to truly believe that I deserve all those things.

Ngi ne themba. (I have hope.)

Training Log: 4/5-4/11

4/5-30 minutes on the track (alternating 2 minutes walking, 5 minutes running), 30 minutes on the elliptical Daily steps: 10,685

Training Log for 4/1-4/4

4/1-32 minutes treadmill, 28 minutes track Steps: 14,957

4/2-Jogged on the track (2+ miles, consisting of 3 minutes running, 2 minutes walking-30 minutes total) Elliptical (2+ miles, 30 minutes) Daily steps: 14,722

4/3-This ended up being mostly a day of rest. Only got 4.5 hours of sleep and wasn't feeling great. Did 30 minutes of brisk walking. Daily steps: 7,683

4/4-60 minutes of DDR, 60 minutes of brisk walking, 30 minutes on the track (alternating 2 minutes walking, 5 minutes running) Daily steps: 17,599

5k

It's been a rough, yet inspiring couple of weeks. I'm so proud of all I've accomplished. Things of which I never would have thought merely a year ago.

I'm running. That's right, me. Running. That's the last thing I ever expected myself to enjoy. It's such a challenge for me to keep going sometimes, but I always feel so good when I'm done.
Mind you, these little legs don't move very fast. That's one of the challenges for me. Since I'm so short, I have to move my legs nearly twice as fast as anyone else taller in order to cover the same distance.

When I went to the YMCA last August, I tried running on the treadmill. I went for 2 minutes before giving up and walking the rest of my 30 minutes. Now, I can run 15 minutes on a treadmill without giving in. That may not sound like much to some people, but it's a huge accomplishment for me.

I've moved on to running on the track, because it's closer to the outdoor terrain (more on that in a minute.) The past couple of days, I've been alternating 2 minutes walking and 5 minutes of running for 30 minutes at a time. Pretty good, eh? I'm going to try and bump it up to 45 minutes soon. That'll get me more prepared for running/walking...a 5k.

Yes, that's why I'm trying to prepare myself for running outdoors. I want to participate in a 5k Run/Walk coming up in less than a month. Can I do it? I'm not sure. What do I have to lose though? Nothing.

So...I guess I'll start copying/pasting my training log from Sparkpeople over here to keep a record of this month.

I guess that's really all I have to say. This blog is so neglected, and that makes me sad.

damn

Y'know, I'm trying so freaking hard to lose weight. I'm exercising, eating right, etc. I mean, there's always room for improvement, but it is so frustrating to look at the scale and see a gain after I've done everything right!

I went and looked up lots of information about weight gain being linked to birth control. The consensus is that it can possibly cause women to retain water or be hungrier, but that most kinds aren't the direct cause of the weight gain.
So I am wondering why this is happening to me. What am I doing wrong?
Then, I come across an extremely detailed article. Toward the bottom, one of the submitted questions was, "What if I still am gaining weight on my birth control?" And the answer had everything to do with having messed up blood sugar, insulin resistance, or glucose issues. So...long story short, my hypoglycemia might be totally effing with my birth control causing these crazy issues.

Now I'm stuck. What do I do? Quit? Stay on it? Either way, I'll be frustrated. This is so ridiculous. I'm on the third month of my pill packs already, and I thought by now my body might be regulating itself. But no.

Right now, my plan of action is to just keep trucking basically. I think I'll try adding in a LOT of extra strength training. When I did a period of intense strength training before, it really seemed to kick my metabolism into high gear. So...yeah.

Any other suggestions would be great. I want to have this situation under control by the time I turn in my wedding dress for altering, which will probably be...next January? February? Around them. That sounds like a long time from now, but I can't just sit around and rush at the last minute. I want to have my weight down into a normal BMI. I'm so close! I just need to kick those 8 extra pounds. Ideally, I want to get down to 130. GAH!

Okay, deep breaths. It'll all be okay.

bc=bs

I know the pill serves a really important purpose; however, I am thoroughly and utterly upset with it right now.
My weight is crazy. I can't really come up with any other explanation for the upward fluctuation the past couple of days. I've been SO good with exercise and eating this week. This shouldn't be happening, and it is very frustrating.

The end.